Given my level of fanhood, you can imagine my excitement when I received an advertisement in the mail that read “get your own custom G.I. Joe!” All I needed was 18 proofs of purchase, $20 and 8-10 weeks of patience.. totally worth it! I was slightly suspicious when they didn’t ask for my picture but I was 2 feet shorter than I am now so I was very trusting and naive. I think I collected and sent the required documentation to the G.I. Joe people within 2 hours of receiving the flyer.. and then I waited.

By the time my package arrived I was giddy with anticipation. I had big plans for my personal G.I. Joe! He would bravely lead every hero army into battle and my little baby-faced soldier would toss bad guys around like The Maxx in a mosh pit. I tore the box open like a rabid wolverine and was promptly confronted with one of the top 4 most disappointing moments of my life.

This was no “personalized action figure.” It was a flipping standard, masked G.I. Joe with a stupid ID card that had my name on it. Also included were idiot dog tags that I could wear around my neck. How could the G.I. Joe people do this to me! This generic waste of plastic couldn’t lead an army into battle. He certainly was not capable of tossing bad guys anywhere! He was useless. It took about 2 days for him to permanently lose his identity when our trash was collected and his stupid ID card and dog tags were lost forever. For the rest of his unimpressive toy life he was consistently one of the first soldiers to die in battle, often lying motionless on the carpet for the majority of each fight.

It’s been some time since my huge G.I. Joe disappointment and not a day goes by that I don’t think that I probably thought about it a few times here and there. But I am confident that although the G.I. Joe people butchered the concept, the underlying truth remains; Everyone Wants to Play with Themselves!